Thursday, May 30, 2013

50 Problems of Star Trek Into Darkness...

From the beginning:

1. Uncinematic zooms. Yes. The opening shots immediately reveal the ego of J.J. Abrams. No, not that they are pretentious as hell and immediately irritating because of that, the camera is looking down at the planet below, and immediately it zooms in and the camera shakes, as if to suggest the cameraman is the first thing you need to think about. Somebody's operating the camera, it zooms in as if this were not a movie made for 200 Million dollars. The zoom bounces, the camera bounces, and a very unsteady quick move to the left is reminiscent of a videogame cut-scene. Why is that? It's J.J. Abrams either reminding us that he's making this movie, or he's using a very over-used technique in creating overly dramatic videogame story cut-scenes, where they attempt to make it look 'more realistic' by pretending there's a camera. (They don't make videogame cut-scenes with cameras). This is ridiculous, especially for a 200 million dollar movie. I know we're in for a video-game here...

2. Ooga-booga men. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, the 'primative' savages are the classic ooga-booga men, I'm surprised they didn't have bones in their noses, big lips and ... wait, if these aliens are so primitive that they smear clay on their faces and chuck spears, how did they create such an intricately written 'scroll?' Oh, should I even be thinking about that? Probably not right? 

3.DAMMIT JIM! Okay, he says "Dammit man" but this being the first line of the movie immediately following a monster sound effect from Star Wars is really the first eyeball rolling moment and we're only at a minute and 35 seconds into the movie. Mushface Pine gives us his first mushface dumb look and we're off with the introduction that this Kirk is dumb. Really dumb.

4."This ash is really killing our coils" says Sulu, piloting a shuttle. Huh? What? I'm not even going to try and understand how even a techie-trekkie might take that, but it makes no sense to me anyways, but they of course have to have a reason why their shuttle doesn't work. (This is the first of many one-line explanations of why something is happening, this is the worst kind of writing). Each character from this point onward has to say some stupid thing, in order to excuse what is happening on screen, usually something that isn't making any sense, and they don't care because it's always focused on mindless action moments and the writers really didn't care how the hell they get there. 

5.After whining to Kirk about being seen by the aliens, Spock says, "This is our only chance to save this species." He's already broken the Prime Directive or has he?

6.Kirk and McCoy jump off a cliff into the water, a height that would surely kill them or at the very least break every bone in their bodies when they hit the water. 

7.They also have some kind of magic jet boots on that propel them through the water another convenient thing to have when you need to get to a submerged spaceship...

8.They all the sudden have goggles on when they get inside the ship... 

9.Spock is sitting on a rock surrounded by hot lava, the temperatures there would melt his suit, transparent aluminum or not, Spock would be standing there on fire and most certainly his device as well. Should I even mention that its utterly ridiculous that he HAS to set if off himself while he's there... couldn't they have beamed the device there and set it off remotely? Oh, that's right, these are the dumbest Starfleet officers in history, they're so dumb that they landed the Enterprise in the water (fearing they'd be seen by the aliens) displacing the water and most likely making a shit load of noise when they did it. 

10.Cold Fusion. Sorry idiots, the "cold" in cold fusion doesn't mean it's cold. You're morons. Might as well have used 'frozen dynamite.'  

11.Transporter problems that conveniently allow for actions scenes. This particular issue happens so many times in this movie, I think you could make a drinking game out of it. Every time they either should have used the transporter, or the transporter isn't working, take a shot. As soon as this starts happening, it occurred to me that half the dialog in this movie is there to explain to thinking people, smart people who like to try to follow "plots" why some bullshit is happening on screen that shouldn't be happening on screen. If it isn't stupid re-used lines from old shows or movies, its people talking about why they have to have an action scene right now. This bullshit with the transporter happens so much in this movie, I forget about the lens flares.

12. Lens Flares. Yes, they're back, a little less of them, but what's worse about them is that many of them occur in the middle of the screen somewhere in the middle of a dramatic moment. How stupid are you J.J. Abrams to put lens flares on characters when they're talking, or right at the moment some gigantic ship comes on screen where you're supposed to be in awe of this big massive ship, the music is blasting, but all you see is a lens flare. WTF is that? Idiot.

13.This music is seriously way too dramatic for what's happening on screen half the time. Even the opening cue builds up as if you're about to see some unbelievable thing, but instead you get a shaky camera zooming in to a guy running very far away from the camera. I assume it was all CGI, so it's not very dramatic.

14.Why is Spock holding out his arms like that when he's on the rock about to die from the lava? What is this Shawshank Redemption?

15. Full dutch angles are happening a lot in this movie. The camera zooms out when it is completely on its side while the cameraman turns the camera upright. I guess this is supposed to be 'dramatic,' but all this 'dramatic' gimmickery with camerawork and music isn't helping this movie at all, it's hindering it. So far it's been pretty lame, we're at about 9 minutes in, but it could get better you know, but so much shit starts happening with everything from the goddamn lens flares, to dumb little details, etc, that it adds up, by trying to shove so much shit on screen and making it so that the camera is always moving or something is always exploding or moving around, is already starting to give me a Transformers Headache, what just happened? Huh? What's happening? 

16.Kirk is now no longer a 'ladies man,' a 'ladykiller' or a 'womanizer' he's a complete pervert now. I assume that our protagonist hero is presented here as the manliest man there is, because the manliest men in the world always fuck two chicks all the time. Underwear scenes? That's what people are complaining about here? They've got Kirk having a threesome? What are people too embarrassed to discuss it? The men don't want to say anything about how perverted that is? Fuck it, i'll say it, fucking two people isn't right, no matter what the fuck television and movies make it seem. This one shot alone is all Gene Roddenberry would need to turn over in his grave. Spare me the 'don't push your morals on me' crap, Star Trek was always about morals, and I'll tell you, if there's one thing sexually that isn't moral its polygamy, multiple sex partners, and threesomes. Fuck you if you think otherwise, I won't get into the rest of it right now, and don't tell me that its the next thing that needs pushing the envelope for social acceptance.  I'd rather have Kirk smoking crack, do you forget kids watch this shit?

17. Did I hear Pike say Nibiru? I believe I did. Zechariah Sitchin's 'planet X' eh? You seriously couldn't think of a better planet name? Does everything have to be a reference to something in pop culture now? 

18.At the 15 minute mark, James Kirk in this movie is a stupid, amoral asshole who I'm barely capable of imagining anyone could like. Perhaps I'm out of the cultural loop these days, I guess this is what a 'bad boy' is nowdays? I can't wait to see the crack smoking, gambling, tattooed, and verbally abusive Kirk in Star Trek 3: The Search for Integrity. When Pike is yelling at him, I just want to smack Kirk in the face, not because he disobeyed orders and Prime Directive, but because he's standing there like a smug little bastard who honestly probably couldn't comprehend the Prime Directive in the first place. The Prime Directive could have been a rule that says "Never Land Your Ship or Enter the Atmosphere of another Planet with Your Ship" and he still wouldn't know what the fuck it was or care what it was. He looks like a total douchebag idiot, this is our protagonist. 

19. Our villain, John Harrison, Bunnadict Cabbagepatch, makes the guy blow up buildings in order to save his dying daughter... How convenient and lucky ole Cumpersnatch is to happen to have the security guy at the building have his daughter get sick so he can donate his "Super Blood" (as McCoy actually called it) and save her. No really. This is a plot?  Cuntersnatch is supposed to be smart, brilliant and ruthless eh? He can steal a Minority Report Police Helicopter, outlandishly big cannons, and 'personal transporters' but he can't get hold of a remote-detonation device which he could probably easily take to the front security desk and leave there without messing around with kids with cancer? Oh, that's right, we have to establish he's got magic blood. This bullshit with the bomb, and the contrived 'plot' to get these Starfleet people together is dumb dumb dumb, and I haven't found anybody, any movie critic who hasn't thought any different. It's about 19 minutes in, and I'm already thinking "Cystal Skulls." I' m already thinking "Nuked the Fridge," only in this case, "Kicked the Warp Core."

20. Everything that has happened in the last 20 minute is now pointless. Kirk loses the Enterprise because he violated the Prime Directive, the only reason for the stupid action scenes at the beginning, and not less than 5 minutes ago the big scene occurs where he gets yelled at and oooooooooh get's demoted. 5 minutes later Pike shows up, and says, naaaaaaaaah, you're back on the Enterprise again, everything's cool. So all of what has happened is so Kirk can be in this room of Starfleet Officers and be there when Cumberbund shows up to shoot everyone with his stolen Minority Report Helicopter. This means you could have just fucking started with this scene. That would cut 20 minutes out of the movie, and all you have to do is say that Kirk is up on charges, for violating the Prime Directive, its a tribunal, and while this happens, Cumberbund attacks, kills Pike, and bang, he saves the rest of them, showing what a hero he is, and it's on with the plot. What did  a 6 year old write this shit?

21. Benedryl Cumterfuge's bomb only killed 42 people? Really? That's it? What the hell was all that screaming? He only killed 42 people with that? I find that hard to believe based on that explosion and the damage. This is lame.

22. Kirk's "smart" observation at the meeting actually turns out to be pointless. His little "i figured it out" moment is another waste, as it turns out in fact, not only is it just too late as they all get shot, it makes no sense as Cumberbitch transports himself to Kronos, literally another fucking planet, and for what exactly, does he know Kirk is going to show up, bring his frozen crew aboard, fly out there to get him, so he can take control of Evil Enterprise and threaten them to get his crew back? What the hell is Cunderdumb doing here? What the hell is his plan? He should have just beamed aboard the secret ship, he had the co-ordinates, he gives them to Kirk, who in turn gives them to Scotty.... why not just beam aboard straight away, since he obviously takes over the ship later in 10 seconds all by himself, he has absolutely no reason at all to beam away to Kronos... or wherever they kept the people-stuck-inside torpedoes and he could have freed them. What the hell is his real plan here? This is like LOST, shit just happens in succession so that some other thing they make up as they go along happens later, so that something in turn will also happen, and so on with no actual plot.  Kirk's "I figured it out" moment is also pointless, as he turns out to be wrong as well. He 'figures out' that they're about to get attacked because "why would Harrison blow up an archive that's on the internet?" HE MUST HAVE AN ULTERIOR MOTIVE! No, he did it because it was the HQ of Section 31, so in fact Kirk's reasoning which lead to his conclusion was wrong. He didn't figure anything out at all, he just happened to have imagined that Cumberpunk would attack them and it so happened he did, but for completely different reasons!

23. Whenever action takes place it's hard to keep track of what the fuck is going on with all the zooms, shaky cameras, and lens flares, the action becomes really boring really fast.

24. Scotty finds some doo-hickey in 'the crashed jumpship,' "this is how he got away." Why is Scotty rumaging through the crash on earth? Shouldn' t the police be doing that? Why is he doing CSI work on earth? Shouldn't he be messing around with the engine room on the Enterprise? What? 

25.Carol Marcus shows up. Why? Who is she? Why is she there? She's a 'torpedo specialist' or claims to be. Who sent her? Herself? Huh? What is she doing there, we never learn this ever for the rest of the movie. She says she was assigned by Admiral Marcus, with 'transfer orders,' but as it turns out she lied. So who sent her there and why?

26.Star Wars Imperial hats. Somebody needs to remind this asshole he's making a Star Trek movie, not a Star Wars movie again...

27.Chekov replaces Scotty as Chief Engineer. This is ridiculous. They obviously didn't know what to do with him. They give it one of those 'excuse lines' again, "You've been shadowing Mr. Scott and you know all the systems of the ship now right?" Bullshit. He's the guy who presses buttons that shoot things. 

28. Star Trek references. 'The Mudd Incident,' making fun of McCoy's metaphors, Christine Chapel, "i once operated on a pregnant Gorn..." Klingon honor... I find it hard to believe Uhura knows everything there is to know about Klingon culture, but it's convenient to the plot, or should I say 'what happens next' since there is scarcely a plot here.  Once again, it's like they're trying to remind us that we're watching Star Trek again. SEE SEE IT'S REALLY STAR TREK GUYS! SEE SEE! 

29. If you didn't keep ripping off Star Wars, you wouldn't have to keep pointlessly referencing Star Trek. The Millennium Falcon that they just happen to have on board for no reason other than they want to make a new toy to sell (They must have learned that from George Lucas) flying in a scene stolen from Empire Strikes back (including sound effects), where the Falcon flies sideways to evade Tie-Fighters is not only obvious, the Star Wars references are getting annoying. This is Star Trek man, and if you didn't think it was Star Wars all this time, we wouldn't be having these fucking problems. The Klingon Darth Vader helmets are not a nice touch. 

30. New Klingon facelift. Another new look for the Klingons? Jeez, just after we got done trying to explain the last one. I think Star Trek Fans are ready to give up on this one, because there literally is no explaining this one. (Especially now that they have pointy ears too).

31. Action scene. Takes too long. Can't tell what the hell is going on half the time. Running too long. Stopped caring. Don't care what's happening. It's too long. Action. Action. Action. Boring. Boring. Boring.

32.Loki getting caught on purpose is getting old and tired. It really really is. If it isn't the Joker, or Loki, or the guy from Skyfall. Do we have to watch the same thing over and over and over again? The jail looks practically the same as the one in Avengers. At least make it look different man. This guy acts more like Hannibal Lector in that cell than....Khhhaaaaaannn!!!

33. Khan. Okay. Here's the big reveal we've all been waiting for. Or have we? He says that line as if Chris Pine and Quinto are supposed to react to it, it's way over-done. The problem is that not only should they not know who is obviously, it truly doesn't matter all to this story. He might as well have just been "the first genetically engineered Augment ever created" or something else, he's obviously not the Khan of Wrath of Khan, he certainly doesn't look or act or sound like him, he's just a british villain. This scene is there for a laugh? Why the hell would Spock ask Spock about it? There's no reason for him to be asking Old Spock who Khan is. It's only there so Nimoy can have a cameo, and verify to the audience that it is supposed to be in some deranged way the 'same' Ricardo Montelban Khan, which is ridiculous. If Nimoy had died before this movie had been filmed, they would not only not have gotten somebody to replace him, they wouldn't have even thought of having this scene in there, which doesn't make any sense at all. 

34.Underwear scene. I don't get it. At the moment it takes place, it's actually confusing, because not only does the viewer have no idea why the hell they just walked aboard a shuttle, nor why she's changing, the next edit literally, the next shot, Kirk is on the Bridge... talking to Sulu. What? Huh? What the hell was that scene? What the hell was she doing? Why was she changing? Weren't they about to go somewhere...or something in that shuttle? Huh?

35. Transporter problem again. Can't beam up Doctor McCoy. Shit these transporters are fucking useless in this movie. You know, if they didn't keep mentioning it they would have been better off. Just have the damn ship hit an asteroid and smash the fucking transporter room to pieces, get rid of it, that way you don't have to come up with a new excuse every five minutes of why you don't want to use it in this scene. ENOUGH WITH THE DAMN TRANSPORTER THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO USE ALREADY!

36.Guys in the torpedos. Huh? Is this ever explained? Why the hell are they inside torpedos? I mean what's the purpose? Is Khan's plan to shoot them all over the cosmos or something? It's a dumb idea and a dumb plan. 

37.Scotty travels to a secret base out in space in a shuttle. Did he sign out a shuttle? Does this shuttle have warp drive? Wouldn't it have taken him years to get there?(To Jupiter) How does a secret base built by the Federation Secret Service Security Department Section 31 not notice he's just flying around spying on them? Don't they have extra-paranoid security scanners? Does Scotty steal some kind of Stealth Shuttle with Warp Drive on it?

38. "This man is 300 years old." Really Khan is from the 1950s? This really is a parallel universe. 

39. Benedick Clumberdump's mouth seems so big I keep thinking it's CGI. Is it?  People keep saying how good he is in this movie, all I see is a ridiculous over-acting. People think Shatner over-acts, this guy takes the cake. 

40.Why does the Enterprise when it's getting shot up by Evil Enterprise 'fall out' of what we can only understand as a special effect that is illustrating for us what "Warp Travel" looks like? It falls out of it like it was in a Stargate Wormhole tunnel? Am I missing something, is this how it works? Is Warp Speed like a wormhole tunnel? It moves out of it like it was inside a tunnel or something? Somehow that doesn't make sense to me, unless this is Stargate?

41. Sulu says they're 237,000 kilometers from earth. Jeez, I guess it's a good thing they got knocked out of Warp Drive,  because at that speed, I'm guessing they would have just plowed right through the planet...

42.We're now at the Hour and 22 Minute mark and it's starting to get tedious because so much shit keeps happening, one kind of action scene after another and since there's no real plot except the fact that scenes just occur one after the other for whatever reason until it ends, you stop giving a shit. How is this all going to end? Who cares at this point. We can only assume that more people are going to get killed, Kirk and Spock will do more action shit, and are the characters really all that interesting? Khan's bad, Khan's good, Khan's bad, Khan's good, Khan's bad again, the transporter works, the transporter doesn't work, it works, it doesn't work, it works, it doesn't work. All I know is that we've got at least 10 more excuses to go with why the transporter doesn't work again before it all ends...

43. Tribble. Why? What? Where'd that come from? Huh? Obviously another cheesy setup for their so-called "plot." It's there for no reason because there is no plot, they didn't get it from anywhere, just like the Millennium Falcon, it's just there because, well, it's from "Star Trek" and we need to set up this cornball story element about "super blood." Here's the deal when you write a story this way, the 'impact' of your event later in the movie which is tied to this ridiculous contrivance is NILL. We're supposed to connect the dots, only the dots don't matter. There's no impact. So what if there's a Tribble there. No, we're not supposed to question why there's a Tribble there, with the blood experiment. When it just appears out of thin air, the audience automatically starts wondering, why the fuck is that there? Why did that just happen? You know automatically that this is some cheesy plot contrivance, you know how to predict what's going to happen. It's silly, it's really bad writing. 

44."This door is very wee." Yes, I know, I know, the Leprechaun from Lucky Charms uses that word all the time, it's that word those Scottish/Irish people invented... but I have to say, it's an adjective, and they don't speak like that with their sentences. But since Scotty is Scottish, well he must therefore say something "scottish" right? I wonder why Uhura isn't talking jive, and why Sulu doesn't talk by pronouncing his L's as R's in this movie too. 

45.The extended hallway where Kirk and Khan will end up after the fly through space has no reason to be that big other than that they need to tumble around on it once they get through the door. Does everything that exists in this movie have to be a contrivance? Does everything have to be convenient? Yes it does, because when writing, and you're just making shit up as you go along, this is the kind of shit you end up with. 

46.Do those space-suits come with Tron Discs? Why does everything have to be re-designed all the time? It's been what, a year or so since the last movie? They have new space-suits already? Re-designed for the action figures? 

47.Oh, yes, well, the transporter's not working again, that's why they have to have this action scene with the space suits...

48."As you know, I have made a vow never to give you any information about your future..." But in this case, aw fuck it, I'll tell you whatever you want because they're paying me a thousand dollars a minute to do this cameo. Nimoy? Cash it in baby, it's time for you to go bye-bye. Enough already.

49.Oh, guess what, we have no transporter capabilities again, can't beam those torpedoes man, but since the other ship does, sounds good. 

50."Kicking the Warp Drive." I think in this case, this is as good a way to tell the world this shit is over with. When you cannot come up with anything better than rehashing the end of another movie, while pretending to be ironic, because you haven't the talent to be ironic, well, it's done. You've jumped the shark, you've nuked the fridge, you've lost all credibility and it's time to cancel this shit. The KHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN screamed by Spock sounds an awful lot like Darth Vader's NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, and it about the same thing. The contrivances continue after this, and yes, more shit happens with the transporter not working of course. You know what's going to happen when Kirk goes in to the Warp Engine Room, you know it's going to end up with the Wrath of Khan scene, it's pretty damn predictable, and the only tension and suspense you have is, "They're not going to do this are they? Yes, they're going to do this, oh God..."   The problem is that they didn't earn it, it's not the same, and other than the fact that you know where they got it from, it has no weight. It's as this entire movie was...dumb. So Spock beats up Khan and the next cut, as if we were watching the end of an episode of Magnum PI, is Kirk in the hospital. That's a TV ending, and I don't think they're trying to be ironic about it. Oh, and also, Khan's blood means nobody has to die ever again, the end.  There's more, to be sure, but this is all just the initial volley, and I'd have to watch this shit again. It occurs to me that almost none of these 'nitpicks' as some will call them have ANYTHING to do with Star Trek all... 


  1. You were talking about "Stargate": :)
    Stargate SG-1 - Younger, Edgier... Now in HD!

    It's like Abrams Trek.

  2. Guess who the bald guy with glasses is? Damon Lindelof.

  3. Nothing like being continuously sneered at and talked down to for being fans. Ask the music industry what happens when you ignore people long enough. These soulless empty tentpole features destroy brand loyalty.

  4. This was so hilarious! It almost makes it worth wasting my money on this turd to finally see some insightful commentary on how pedestrian JJ Abrams and crew really are. Thanks you all who read and contribute to this blog site. you are the lone voices in the wilderness now that Roger Ebert has passed away. Keep em coming, they deserve it for despoiling our wonderful original world of Star Trek even if Nimoy, Shatner and even Harlan Ellison of all people sold out to the dark side of the force.